Holin Corrigan Literal Human Garbage An Eggplant special investigation has revealed that the SGA co-presidents Donnie Stephens and Maggie Scanlon are being held hostage by nefarious forces and their weekly update videos are in fact desperate pleas for help. While the identity of hostage takers are still unknown, […]
Greg Hausler Eggplant Editor On July 21, 2017, Anthony Scaramucci was hired as White House Communications Director. On July 31, 2017, he was fired from the same job. Despite the brevity of his tenure, he showcased more than a few traits that make him a very qualified candidate […]
DJ Khaled Expert on Major Keys Despite insisting that “No, there’s not a problem, it’ll turn up, I swear,” members of the Purple Key Society (PKS) are still looking for the Purple Key. The saga started this Tuesday when an unidentified Purple Key Society member checked his pockets […]
By N.A.C. Lang Students at Holy Cross have never looked better. This semester, Kimball Dining Hall has started a new initiative to cut back students’ sodium intake by removing salt and pepper shakers from the table. Students have reported decreasing their weekly salt intake by a whopping 1/16 […]
By O. Nellie, Staff Writer Hello. I am one of the few rising juniors who knows that Worcester is the greatest place on Earth. I would rather spend the entirety of my four years in New England’s second largest city, and not some dinky little European hamlet like […]
By Bill Dewahl, Staff ‘Writer’ According to a series of SGA media released over the past month, virtue signalling is the only way for Holy Cross students to effectively bring about social justice. “There is never a bad time to proclaim an affirming, inclusive phrase, like ‘Black Lives […]
By Stephan Duncan, Signing Off The entire campus of the College of the Holy Cross has been quarantined by the CDC as a drastic response to a new nerve disease that’s been sweeping the nation. The disease has been discovered to target two specific areas: the ulnar nerve […]
By Trey Belclef. Staff Writer In news that has shocked the Holy Cross community, it has been revealed that on-campus a cappella groups are only a cappella groups due to their inability to buy actual instruments. The colleges groups initially formed to perform as bands, but had to […]
By John Buzzard, Chief Eggplant Editor After several years running as the satire section of The Crusader, I regret to inform our beloved audience and everyone else reading that we will no longer continue to publish the Eggplant. This comes as a result of several letters sent to […]
By Bill DeWahl, Staff “Writer” In a stunning development for the academic world, sociologists nationwide came together this past weekend to release a surprising joint announcement: “This has all been one huge joke.” According to Dr. Caitlyn Bears, a sociology professor at the University of Maine and one […]
By John Buzzard This week we are proud to answer the question that is on everyone’s mind in the Spring semester: who will be playing the Spring Concert? Many people have the false assumption that some ‘relevant’ artist will be playing or someone that is currently popular will […]
By John Buzzard Ah, election season for the SGA. It ebbs and it flows like a winding river. One day we are running for office or senator and then the next day we read about our crushing defeat in the middle of Kimball and try to hold back […]
