We Need Shrek And We Need Him Now

Ashwin Prabaharan Class of 1738

Administrator of Duloc Affairs

I’ve humbly served our divine Lord Farquaad and the royal House of Duloc for many great generations. Their God-given duty to rule these lands of Duloc, from our muddy swamps to the vast steppe of fairy creatures, has stood unchallenged for the last 4 centuries. We pray O Great Lizard for blessings upon the illustrious Lord Farquaad, for now…..

But I must confess the disgraceful thoughts I have come to entertain. I recently attended a triumphant day of festivities at Duloc Castle, filled with ale and heartwarming songs in praise of His Grace. Then he emerged. Out of the stands confronting His Grace, accepting his challenge to rescue a princess was the man of green. He sported farmer clothing but I caught a glimpse of the vintage Casio watch on his wrist, a man of taste I add. His daring strength and bold confidence caught my attention. I must admit I felt something, something I have yearned for since the days of yore, when man roamed free of fear. He calls himself Shrek, a biblical name I believe descending from the quote, “And unto Shrek He gave the keys to a Kia Soul. ‘Thou shall sell this item of mine for below market value, for it is the right thing to do.’’ 

Shrek possesses in him an innate sense of valor, of unrivaled bravery and confidence that earns him the divine right to rule. I have come to your wretched hill of a monstrosity you call “Holy Cross” to plead this case. You lot with your Thirsty Thursdays and animal shows held at dining areas require Shrek’s unparalleled qualities of leadership. Lord Farquaad has proven incapable, inept, and ineffective in ruling us. For god’s sake, he is merely 5’6 (I’m 7’4, call me). But Shrek stands tall, watching over the horizon with brimming strength and power. I, therefore, call upon my brothers and sisters of these Duloc lands, to raise arms against the tyrannical royal house, storm Duloc Castle and bring Farquaad to his knees. I am hosting an interest meeting at Cool Beans to discuss these plans for any and all who may wish to join me in this revolutionary cause. (I’m out of dining dollars please help).

Comrades, join me in anointing Lord Shrek as our leader. Together, we shall see to Duloc’s best days. (contact me at ashwin@dulocaffairs.org or anonymous@joebiden2024.gov).

Featured image courtesy of DarkMoonAnimation on DeviantArt

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