Girl Spontaneously Combusts From Loving Fall Too Much

Julianna Mariani ‘24

On the Sunday concluding the College’s fall break, Autumn Harvest ‘24 spontaneously combusted from loving fall too much. You may be saying, “that’s crazy, no one can love fall too much,” and while I would normally agree, Autumn proved us wrong. I was given the opportunity to speak with Autumn’s parents, August and April Harvest, this past Tuesday. Of course, they were still in great pain given the recent events, but they were happy to speak with me saying, “We must raise awareness about the cause. Our beloved Autumn should act as a cautionary tale for everyone.”

Mr. and Mrs. Harvest informed me that they watched Autumn disappear before their eyes, right after she came back from Starbucks. “She had three pumpkin spiced lattes balancing in her hands. These made up the 307th lattes from Starbies in the month of October alone.” Mrs. Harvest continued between tears, “It was an addiction we had been worried about for months, but prayed nothing would come of it.”

I followed up by asking if it was the caffeine that killed her. Mr. Harvest quickly responded with “No, not at all. She hadn’t even taken a sip before she burst into flames in front of us. In her place sat a giant pumpkin.” 

“The biggest one we had ever seen,” Mrs. Harvest added.

I then asked what other activities Autumn had been doing on her week off leading up to the combustion. Thinking they would tell me she had been to a couple farms and gone apple picking a few times, I was shocked by the sheer amount of fall activities Harvest was able to complete in just ten days’ time. The parents began to list off activities furiously. 

“As soon as she arrived home from Holy Cross on Friday, she began a marathon of movies. I don’t think she slept that night. She started with Hocus Pocus one and two and all eight Harry Potter’s. We barely saw her on Saturday and Sunday as she sat holed up in her bedroom. It was then The Shining, Halloween 1-6, Scream, The Addams Family, Teen Wolf, The Vampire Diaries, Gilmore Girls. And so many others that I’m sure we didn’t even see her watching.” At this time Mrs. Harvest needed to take a break from the challenges of the interview, so she stepped out to take a breather. 

Mr. Harvest continued, “We saw her only a few times when she came down the kitchen to grab fall themed snacks, food, and drinks. We were just happy she was eating at all so we didn’t say anything. She grabbed things like apple cider donuts, candy corn, Halloween Oreos, caramel corn, pumpkin bread and god knows what else. At this point we tried to stop her but she would turn ferocious, almost like a rabid werewolf, so we just let her be.”

“On Monday she asked us to bring her around to the local farms, and we ended up at six different ones that day alone. Tuesday we did four. Wednesday three. And Thursday five. There were hayrides, apple picking, corn mazes, petting zoos, pumpkin patches, and so much more. Not to mention the sheer amount of food that was consumed. More cider and donuts, caramel apples, fried dough. Really anything you can think of.”

At this point, Mrs. Harvest joined us again, composed. “On Friday, we thought she was finally doing better because she asked us to go on a hike with her. We took a long stroll through the beautiful foliage and when we got back we drank hot cider by the fire and chatted. We had barely had peaceful quality time all week so we were just so grateful. But the next day, she was back on the grind and we were forced into a fall bootcamp. Bright and early at six a.m. we were baking apple pies, then carving pumpkins, raking leaves and jumping into the piles, going to haunted houses, cooking chicken noodle soup, and much more that I’m sure is escaping me now.” 

“The two of us were so exhausted that we slept until noon on Sunday. When we woke up, she wasn’t there but when she came home, that was the end. She had barely been back for a minute before she combusted. It was all just too much!” Mrs. Harvest let out a choked sob and Mr. Harvest put his arms around her, attempting to soothe his wife. 

At that point, I thanked them profusely, and left them to be together. Our campus community is mourning the tragedy of Autumn Harvest’s combustion and services will commence on All Hallows’ Eve, as Autumn would have wanted. 

I leave you with one final quote from Mr. and Mrs. Harvest, “Fall is a wonderful time of year, but don’t let it cloud your happiness, you never know what the pressures of the season can do to you. We never would have expected an addiction like this from our dearest daughter Autumn.”

Categories: Eggplant

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