Lauren Poltorak ‘26

Ambassador at the Consulate of Azerbaijan

Holy Cross students have received a personalized letter of thanks from Buckingham Palace following the touching memorial this past Wednesday. The memorial was held in the Brooks Common Room, the historical site of pasta and freeze-pop night and the venue of a certain political aspirant’s exposition for the presidency. Memorial services included a life size effigy of the late Queen, a shattered window, and a police raid ending in the arrest of said political aspirant. An emotional King Charles III responded to the tribute saying, “It is what my mother would have wanted.”

The newly crowned monarch announced that the United Kingdom will enter an indefinite period of mourning to properly commemorate his late mother. In addition, the palace ordered all Gucci and Prada stores to remain open to Her Majesty Queen Consort Camilla as she finds motivation for this new and daunting role. Her Majesty is quoted saying, “That old crank left like 23 billion dollars for me, Bernard Arnault’s gonna get a nice stock boost.” Prime Minister Liz Truss, in an address to the grief-stricken nation, said, “May God save the Queen. Yea, I know what I said.” Parliament will remain closed indefinitely, but this scheduling was not a result of Her Late Majesty’s death, but rather of Parliament’s incompetence.

Photo courtesy of BBC News