News in Brief for the Week of October 15, 2021

Mario Micallef ‘22

Chief Editor

A senior nearly faints from sheer bliss after noticing the giant painting in the lobby of Stein for the first time.

Dead sparrows have been seen in droves all over campus, assisting in the Kimball chicken shortage.

Anonymous student removes the flesh tail he was born with after their new partner’s fifth complaint of the tail slapping them in the face at night.

Anonymous student’s parents strip his tuition funding after learning of his tail procedure because they warned him if he ever parts with the tail, he will lose his identity.

Upper Kimball worker quits mid-shift when a plate with ‘Will you go out with me?’ was written in dried booger.

A first year contemplated putting on a jacket and pants for the cold, rainy weather but wanted to defy stereotypes for those wearing t-shirts and shorts in cold, rainy weather.

A senior picked the lock to the haunted fourth floor door in O’Kane that tops the staircase leading to a wall and found a massive collection of records from past presidents, titles such as: Zim-Zam-Zoo 50’s best Rockin’ Pig Latin Bops, Tiny Tim’s “Tip-Toe through the Tulips,” and The Ohio Express’ “Yummy Yummy Yummy,” just to name a few.

An anonymous student—bald, glasses, with a goatee—answers to ‘yo’, has been seen on many occasions with a pencil in his mouth. This pencil is yours and you have the right to take it back from him as you see fit.

Categories: Eggplant

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