News in Brief, for the week of Sept. 27, 2021

Mario Micallef ‘22
Has all the tea

College of the Holy Cross, Worcester, MA

Senior falls asleep in class only to wake up as a Sophomore in March 2020.

Uber-Eats driver leaves a cold, mediocre, & slightly incorrect order at Hogan 3, but returns for it 2 minutes later and finishes it entirely.

Campion House cookies made with 99% dust, sand, flour, and 1% sugar awarded ‘Best Sugar Cookies in Western Massachusetts.’

First year trips over his mask’s laces.

Organ scholar wins Grammy for best hip-hop single.

New groundbreaking experimental acapella group sings songs without any notes or chords; just inhales & exhales in decent time.

Roommates Anonymous writes a strongly worded letter against the farts you release upon your return from Kimball.

The-farts-you-release-upon-your-return-from-Kimball writes a scathing letter in return but is more or less incoherent and absolutely nauseating.

Professor Fella randomly held class outside on the same day you left your dentures to soak in antibacterial cleanser liquid.

Elusive habitual illegal Hogan parking lot parker decides, “One more time wouldn’t hurt. Besides they wouldn’t dare tow this white van with Holy Cross decals on it.” 

A local squirrel worked-out on the outdoor exercise equipment outside of Stein only to pack up his things in shame once a mouse strode by snickering.

A local student confuses himself with a squirrel, and mice with other fellow students.

Categories: Eggplant

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