Mario Micallef ‘22
Big Monopoly Guy
Worcester, MA — After devouring a Fluffernutter French toast the size of her own head, a local woman told reporters Sunday that the ATM at Miss Worcester’s diner printed out Monopoly money over the weekend. “I was freaking out because practically half a loaf of bread, a tub of Fluff, and two cups of coffee were starting up me ol’ lower intestine, and I needed to scram. So, I went to the ATM only for it to print out two $20 bills of the little monies,” said Mildred Pennybags, daughter of controversial financier Milburn Pennybags who has been indicted on felony counterfeit and tax fraud charges, as she held and petted her Scottish Terrier. I caught up with one of the waitresses on staff that morning to see what happened. “I thought she was going nuts. After I gave her the bill, she went to the automated teller machine and then came back and handed me literal Monopoly money,” said Miss Auburn, who was filling in for the owner on account of her getting tied up in a meeting with the diner’s Nutella distributor. “It didn’t make any sense, because I just saw someone else get legitimate U.S. currency, but, my hand to God Almighty, I seent the little monies print out of the machine,” she said while dipping a piece of bacon into a bucket of powdered sugar. Patrons of the diner are eager for its re-opening: “We want the little monies! We love the little monies!” At press time, local federal authorities held a press conference where they updated the indictment of Mr. Pennybags and informed the public they were implementing a reward of up to $1 million USD for any information leading to the rescue of Mildred Pennybags as she has not been seen since last Monday. If you have seen Miss Pennybags or want some little monies as a reward for helping the authorities with this case, go to www.GotoJail.GodirectlytoJail,donotpassGo,donotcollect$200.gov for more info.