features

Crusader of the Week: The Campus Stairs

Kelly Gallagher ‘22 

Winded

Visual Courtesy of Valentina Moran ’23

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

Name: Bane (of this community’s existence)

Hometown: Worcester poured and raised! 

Major: Physical Education

Campus Activities: Hazing new students, forcing people into shape, bringing the community together through shared suffering

Favorite Movie: Rocky

Favorite song: “Highway to Hell” 

Favorite singer/group: Listening to the out-of-breath fools attempting to scale me is music to my ears

Favorite color: Vomit of the uninitiated 

Favorite sports team: I’ve humbled them all

Favorite class taken at Holy Cross: Ethics of Fitness (I failed)

Item on HC Bucket List: To be incorporated in the graduation ceremony

Embarrassing HC Moment: Cute. You thought I could feel shame

Bragging Rights: I am single-handedly responsible for driving up the HC drop-out rate

Words to live by: What doesn’t kill you doesn’t prepare you to meet me

One thing you would change at HC: The elevators

Favorite TV Show: AFV

Favorite Book: Les Miserables

Favorite Kimball meal: Face plants

Favorite Cool Beans Drink: The tears of the weak 

Favorite spot on campus: Dinand. Getting between the nerds and their books brings me joy

Favorite off-campus restaurant: Are you mocking me? 

Guilty Pleasure: listening to Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb”

Some small things that make your day better: Meeting students running late for class; people tripping; icy mornings

First thing you do when you wake up: “Wake up?” Please. Like every other member of this community, I grind 24/7

Last thing you do before going to bed: Trying to wheedle my off-hours out of me? Don’t get your hopes up

Favorite place you have traveled to: Sometimes I live vicariously through the students I send to the ER

Something you look forward to when you go home: Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in others’ misery 

Post-Graduation Plans: Just when you thought you’d seen the last of me, I’ll creep up on you at class reunions

Favorite memory at HC: I suppose I only came to appreciate this in hindsight, but listening to Dr. Fauci complain about me

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