Mario Micallef ’22
Eggplant Editor
[Newport Beach CA, July 5, 1:30 p.m.]
[Tim swims and snorkels in the shallow waters of the beach. His wife, Maybel, sits on the beach and sunbathes.]
Maybel: Tim, honey, let’s eat!
[Tim remains underwater.]
Maybel: Timbelthon Jones, I’m starving. Get out of the water!
[Tim shoots up out of the water screaming and splashing.]
Tim: My foot! My foot! An urchin got me.
Maybel: Oh my God! Get out of the water then.
[Tim stops splashing and walks up the sand toward Maybel.]
Tim: It burns like crazy.
Maybel: Let me see it.
[Maybel bends down and Tim holds up his left foot.]
Maybel: Has it always been this mangled? What’s with the toes Tim? Good Lord. How have I never noticed this? There is so much hair on them. Do you even need to wear socks?
[Maybel pokes Tim’s foot.]
Tim: Ouch! Don’t poke it! Now’s not the time for jokes. What am I supposed to do? It hurts.
Maybel: I think I know what needs to be done. This happened to me once. I was nine years old, and a sea urchin stung my foot when I went boogie-boarding for the first time.
Tim: What did you do?
Maybel: Well…
Tim: What? Tell me, Maybel. What did you do?
Maybel: OK, fine, but you can never bring this up to anybody. Not even Michael when he gets home from summer camp.
Tim: I promise. I won’t tell anyone.
Maybel: You do know, if you tell Michael, I’ll tell him about your Uncle giving you the pony for your bar mitzvah.
Tim: Maybel! I’m not going to tell anyone. Now, tell me what happened.
Maybel: Alright, well, it is a fact that urine-
[Tim starts to laugh, and Maybel grips his foot tightly]
Maybel: Shut up!
Tim: Ow. Ow. Ow. OK, I’m sorry. Please continue.
Maybel: Urine is sterile. So, my dad, having been a beach bum his whole life, knew of such a fact.
Tim: Your dad peed on your foot!
Maybel: Shh. Shh. Yes, yes, he did. But it worked. So, I would stop the grin because in order to stop the sting you’re gonna need some urine.
Tim: Fine. Let’s go to the women’s room.
Maybel: What? No. I can’t be the one to do it.
Tim: Why not? I’m dying here, this thing is killing me. It’s not like you haven’t peed in front of me before. I’m your husband for God Sake.
Maybel: I’m sorry. I just can’t.
Tim: I can’t believe this! I have to do everything! I’ll do it myself then.
Maybel: No. No. No. Not only would it be a horrible image, in which it would absolutely & permanently change the way I see you, it’s not about that. I don’t make the rules but it must be a father to urinate on you.
Tim: Are you kidding me? Why? Why would that matter?
Maybel: I told you. I don’t make the rules. I guess it must be some sick pirate curse, or maybe some type of gypsy spell. I’m telling you though, it works.
Tim: You know as well as I, my dad’s been dead for 8 years. What am I supposed to do?
Maybel: I didn’t say your father. I said a father, or I’d bet even a father figure would do the trick.
Tim: Hand me my phone.
Maybel: Why?
Tim: Please. I need to call somebody.
[Maybel hands over Tim’s phone. Tim calls up his Uncle]
Tim: Listen, Uncle Ben, I don’t have much time, my foot is stinging. I know this is asking a lot but can you come to Newport Beach immediately? Maybel says I need someone to pee on my foot.
[Maybel looks at Tim’s foot again. She looks nauseous and quickly shifts her gaze to the sea.]
Tim: I’ve never heard of it either. Apparently it works though. But nevermind then. Have a safe flight. Tell Aunt Sharon I said hello.
[Tim hangs up the phone and grabs his foot]
Maybel: I’m surprised you called your Uncle. He’s your father figure?
Tim: I don’t want to talk about it. My foot is getting numb but it still stings when I touch it. Now, can you please help me find somebody else?
[Tim and Maybel look around and survey the beach.]
Maybel: What about him?
[Maybel points out a middle aged man who is jogging by.]
Maybel: Excuse me, sir! Can you come over here a minute?
[The man jogs over to them and jogs in place]
Tim: I know this may sound strange: but my foot is stinging and I need you to pee on it.
Jogger: No way man, I don’t believe in that stuff. Besides, don’t you need a father figure for the trick to work?
Tim: I guess, but you’re the best I’ve got right now.
Maybel: Why don’t you just give him some life advice and tell him you’re proud of him.
Jogger: I’m sorry. I don’t have time for this. I’m on my lunch break. I don’t even pee anyways.
[The jogger turns away and continues down the beach.]
Tim: Damn it!
[Tim sits down and massages his foot.]
Maybel: It’s OK. Don’t worry. There’s got to be somebody willing. This is California after all. Ooo. What about him?
[Maybel points at an old man who walks slowly and sways a metal detector over the sand.]
Maybel: Excuse me, sir! Can you come over here a minute?
Tim: He can’t hear you with those headphones on.
Maybel: Well, let’s go to him then.
[Maybel grabs Tim’s hand, pulling him up and runs toward the man. Tim winces but hobbles along with her.]
[They reach the old man, Maybel taps him on the shoulder, and indicates for him to take off the headphones.]
Maybel: Sir, can you please help us? My husband’s foot was stung.
[The old man takes off his headphones and looks Tim up and down.]
Old Man: You need me to pee on ya sunny boy?
Tim: Yes, please. My foot is killing me. It sings so bad.
Old Man: I bet it does. Alright, stick out your foot. Miss look away.
[The old man pees on Tim’s foot.]
Tim: OK. OK. I think you got it. It’s only my left foot that stings.
Maybel: Thank you sir. I was beginning to think I was the only one who knew about the old trick.
Old Man: What old trick?
Categories: Eggplant