Eggplant

Urchin Father

Mario Micallef ’22

Eggplant Editor

[Newport Beach CA, July 5, 1:30 p.m.]

[Tim swims and snorkels in the shallow waters of the beach. His wife, Maybel, sits on the beach and sunbathes.]

Maybel: Tim, honey, let’s eat! 

[Tim remains underwater.]

Maybel: Timbelthon Jones, I’m starving. Get out of the water!

[Tim shoots up out of the water screaming and splashing.]

Tim: My foot! My foot! An urchin got me.

Maybel: Oh my God! Get out of the water then.

[Tim stops splashing and walks up the sand toward Maybel.]

Tim: It burns like crazy.

Maybel: Let me see it.

[Maybel bends down and Tim holds up his left foot.]

Maybel: Has it always been this mangled? What’s with the toes Tim? Good Lord. How have I never noticed this? There is so much hair on them. Do you even need to wear socks?  

[Maybel pokes Tim’s foot.]

Tim: Ouch! Don’t poke it! Now’s not the time for jokes. What am I supposed to do? It hurts.

Maybel: I think I know what needs to be done. This happened to me once. I was nine years old, and a sea urchin stung my foot when I went boogie-boarding for the first time. 

Tim: What did you do?

Maybel: Well…

Tim: What? Tell me, Maybel. What did you do?

Maybel: OK, fine, but you can never bring this up to anybody. Not even Michael when he gets home from summer camp.

Tim: I promise. I won’t tell anyone.

Maybel: You do know, if you tell Michael, I’ll tell him about your Uncle giving you the pony for your bar mitzvah.

Tim: Maybel! I’m not going to tell anyone. Now, tell me what happened.

Maybel: Alright, well, it is a fact that urine-

[Tim starts to laugh, and Maybel grips his foot tightly]

Maybel: Shut up!

Tim: Ow. Ow. Ow. OK, I’m sorry. Please continue.

Maybel: Urine is sterile. So, my dad, having been a beach bum his whole life, knew of such a fact. 

Tim: Your dad peed on your foot!

Maybel: Shh. Shh. Yes, yes, he did. But it worked. So, I would stop the grin because in order to stop the sting you’re gonna need some urine.  

Tim: Fine. Let’s go to the women’s room.

Maybel: What? No. I can’t be the one to do it. 

Tim: Why not? I’m dying here, this thing is killing me. It’s not like you haven’t peed in front of me before. I’m your husband for God Sake. 

Maybel: I’m sorry. I just can’t.

Tim: I can’t believe this! I have to do everything! I’ll do it myself then.

Maybel: No. No. No. Not only would it be a horrible image, in which it would absolutely & permanently change the way I see you, it’s not about that. I don’t make the rules but it must be a father to urinate on you.

Tim: Are you kidding me? Why? Why would that matter?

Maybel: I told you. I don’t make the rules. I guess it must be some sick pirate curse, or maybe some type of gypsy spell. I’m telling you though, it works. 

Tim: You know as well as I, my dad’s been dead for 8 years. What am I supposed to do? 

Maybel: I didn’t say your father. I said a father, or I’d bet even a father figure would do the trick. 

Tim: Hand me my phone. 

Maybel: Why? 

Tim: Please. I need to call somebody.

[Maybel hands over Tim’s phone. Tim calls up his Uncle]

Tim: Listen, Uncle Ben, I don’t have much time, my foot is stinging. I know this is asking a lot but can you come to Newport Beach immediately? Maybel says I need someone to pee on my foot.

[Maybel looks at Tim’s foot again. She looks nauseous and quickly shifts her gaze to the sea.]

Tim: I’ve never heard of it either. Apparently it works though. But nevermind then. Have a safe flight. Tell Aunt Sharon I said hello. 

[Tim hangs up the phone and grabs his foot]

Maybel: I’m surprised you called your Uncle. He’s your father figure?

Tim: I don’t want to talk about it. My foot is getting numb but it still stings when I touch it. Now, can you please help me find somebody else?

[Tim and Maybel look around and survey the beach.] 

Maybel: What about him? 

[Maybel points out a middle aged man who is jogging by.]

Maybel: Excuse me, sir! Can you come over here a minute?

[The man jogs over to them and jogs in place]

Tim: I know this may sound strange: but my foot is stinging and I need you to pee on it.

Jogger: No way man, I don’t believe in that stuff. Besides, don’t you need a father figure for the trick to work?

Tim: I guess, but you’re the best I’ve got right now. 

Maybel: Why don’t you just give him some life advice and tell him you’re proud of him. 

Jogger: I’m sorry. I don’t have time for this. I’m on my lunch break. I don’t even pee anyways.

[The jogger turns away and continues down the beach.]

Tim: Damn it! 

[Tim sits down and massages his foot.]

Maybel: It’s OK. Don’t worry. There’s got to be somebody willing. This is California after all. Ooo. What about him? 

[Maybel points at an old man who walks slowly and sways a metal detector over the sand.]

Maybel: Excuse me, sir! Can you come over here a minute?

Tim: He can’t hear you with those headphones on.

Maybel: Well, let’s go to him then. 

[Maybel grabs Tim’s hand, pulling him up and runs toward the man. Tim winces but hobbles along with her.]

[They reach the old man, Maybel taps him on the shoulder, and indicates for him to take off the headphones.]

Maybel: Sir, can you please help us? My husband’s foot was stung.

[The old man takes off his headphones and looks Tim up and down.]

Old Man: You need me to pee on ya sunny boy?

Tim: Yes, please. My foot is killing me. It sings so bad.

Old Man: I bet it does. Alright, stick out your foot. Miss look away. 

[The old man pees on Tim’s foot.]

Tim: OK. OK. I think you got it. It’s only my left foot that stings.

Maybel: Thank you sir. I was beginning to think I was the only one who knew about the old trick. 

Old Man: What old trick?

Categories: Eggplant

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