Eggplant

Fashionable Face Mask Alternatives

Kelly Gallagher ’22
A Rising Miranda Priestly

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

The health care system is struggling to stay on top of the coronavirus pandemic, and one of their most pressing problems is the face mask shortage. It’s understandable that people are worried about protecting themselves from the virus in every way possible, but we need to be reasonable and work together. Surgical face masks should be reserved strictly for medical personnel. We would like to suggest the following fashionable alternatives for our readers to use during their hopefully-infrequent excursions from the house. 

Photo courtesy of Uproxx

Both functional and aesthetically pleasing, this mask is very versatile, and can be used to complete an edgy ensemble or to accent your unwashed hair and deep under-eye circles. 

Photo courtesy of Forbes

This is the way… to stop the spread of coronavirus. Be sure to order one for your adopted green space son. 

Photo courtesy of Wired

Since Evangeline Lilly won’t be donning a mask anytime soon, due to her public dismissal of coronavirus and Marvel’s almost-certain upcoming dismissal of her, the Wasp mask is now free for your breathing comfort. 

Photo courtesy of Bioaqua Skin Care

Of course, these facial masks won’t filter your breathing. However, once applied, they’re terrifying enough to guarantee the minimum six feet between you and other grocery store patrons. They will have the added benefit of leaving your skin as fresh as a baby’s bottom. 

Photo courtesy of Party City

A great way to silently express your inner frustration! One of these plastic classics is probably already sitting in your closet from a half-assed middle-school Halloween costume when you were “too cool” to actually care. 

Photo courtesy of Petagadget

If you fear that the rapid digitalization of society under coronavirus may be hacking our democracy, this may be the right mask for you. 

All kidding aside, the best way to protect yourself and others is to stay at home as much as possible. But if you’re really inspired, you can always use one of these to make a strong impression at your next Zoom meeting.

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