Matt Anderson ‘21
Chief Eggplant Editor

Attached below is a copy of Father Boroughs’ Valentine’s Day email draft leaked to The Eggplant. 

Dear Members of the Campus Community,

As we begin what feels like a particularly busy Spring semester, I want to wish you and your classmates a joyous and holy Valentine’s Day. In light of this, and because I believe that the essential message of Valentine’s Day has been forgotten, I have decided to issue my “top tips” for how to celebrate the holiday in accordance with Catholic dogma. 

1. Premarital eye contact is a sin. 
2. If you are even thinking about dancing, remember the essential Catholic school rule: to leave room for the Holy Spirit between you and your date.
3. No really, stay at least a Bible length apart. 
4. Remember to stay hydrated and drink water.
5. For breakfast, instead of something decadent, frivolous, and romantic, try one of my favorite depressing recipes, a St. Valentine’s Oatmeal Bake! Like Corn Flakes™, this recipe was designed to be so bland it will purge the body of any impure, sinful thoughts.
6. To repent for your sins, try flagellation!*
7. Instead of Lizzo, try listening to Saint Hildegard von Bingen, a preeminent medieval composer of sacred monophony. 
8. Remember, if you’re at the stage where you’re asking for consent, there’s someone you forgot to ask, the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Valentine’s should be a time of sanctity, of virtue and of platonic love. Please take the time over the weekend to disconnect, to spend time with your loved ones (again, platonically). More importantly, however, it is a time to spend with God. This Sunday, therefore, make sure you come to St. Joseph’s. I’ll be waiting there for you (this is a threat). 

Sincerely,

Philip L. Boroughs S.J. 

President 

* For the purpose of publishing, this is a joke. The Eggplant— Holy Cross’ premier news outlet— does not in any way endorse flagellation or its associated practices. Nor will it issue an apology to anyone dumb enough to do it.