Eggplant

Power Ranking the Food of Thanksgiving

Jackie Cannon ’20
Picky Eater Extraordinaire

Thanksgiving is a peaceful, fun holiday where families can spend quality time together, catch up with relatives, and enjoy delicious, home-cooked meals. That is, unless you’re a picky eater. “Turkey Day” is not a good time when turkey is literally your least favorite food ever and all you can think about is how, every year of your childhood, you were forced to eat a piece. 

It gets even worse when Thanksgiving dinner is a collection of all of your least favorite foods on one plate that you have to eat while fielding the incessant “so what are you going to do with an English major?” question from relatives. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Right?

The following Thanksgiving “staples” are ranked from worst to best:  

10. Turkey: The absolute worst. Dry, rubbery, and tasteless. And no, the problem is not just that I haven’t tried your family’s turkey, the problem is that turkey is universally terrible. There are not enough words in the world to describe how much I hate turkey.

9. Gravy: Liquified animal fat. Need I say more?

8. Carrots: Why does everyone insist on cooking (ruining) carrots when they taste perfectly fine raw? Cooking them turns a crunchy, healthy, delicious snack into a mushy pile of nastiness that you couldn’t pay me to eat.

7. Cranberry sauce (jellied): The taste is meh, but the shape and texture is just downright disturbing. They could at least put it in a nicer container so it isn’t an obnoxiously can-shaped blob on a fancy plate in the middle of the table that no one ever even touches. 

6. Corn: I mean, it’s corn. There’s not a lot to say because there’s not a lot of taste. I’m not a fan of the weirdly dark yellow canned corn my relatives all seem to serve, though.

5. Stuffing: Tolerable, but only if it wasn’t stuffed in the turkey because Turkey. Is. The. Worst!! and it’s pretty weird to stuff it inside the turkey to begin with.  

4. Mashed Potatoes: Delicious, as long as there’s plenty of garlic involved. If they’re plain mashed white potatoes with no seasoning, though, get them off my plate and move them down to #9 next to turkey.

3. Squash: Butternut squash with cinnamon is honestly really good. Why can’t cinnamon be added to everything? 

2. Dinner rolls: Bread is the staple food of all picky eaters and a welcome respite from the rest of the vegetables on my plate.1. Pie: The only reasons I would eat any of the above foods was so I would be allowed to eat dessert as a kid. My mom’s pecan pie? My grandma’s apple pie? It’s worth it to eat a nasty piece of turkey if it’s the only way I’m getting to eat pie (Just so we’re clear, “pie” does not include pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie is a vegetable masquerading as dessert and we should all be ashamed that we allow it to continue doing so year after year).

1. Pie: The only reasons I would eat any of the above foods was so I would be allowed to eat dessert as a kid. My mom’s pecan pie? My grandma’s apple pie? It’s worth it to eat a nasty piece of turkey if it’s the only way I’m getting to eat pie (Just so we’re clear, “pie” does not include pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie is a vegetable masquerading as dessert and we should all be ashamed that we allow it to continue doing so year after year).

Categories: Eggplant

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