Dining Ballers

By Mario Micallef ’22
Eggplant Editor

If you were able to sift through the weekly dump of incessant Popcorn Tuesday emails as well as the totally indubitable Student Government emails, then hopefully Father Boroughs’ schoolwide email last Monday stood out to you. For those of you that got lost in the sea of weekly e-messages, here’s what Padre had to say this time. Below reads the online electronic mail: 


To all students upon this hill, I just want to say that I feel your dining pain. I am well aware that eating at Crossroads and having a severe caffeine addiction is on par for the college. This is why I propose a deal to anyone that will take me up on it: beat me in one game of b-ball and get your dining dollars fully restored. Yes, you did indeed read that correctly. Beware, souls of the hill, I am in fact divinely talented at the sport of basketball. However, if you think you have more game than me, meet at the outdoor courts this Saturday from sunrise to sunset. Surely, you must trust that I am a man of my word; I have never lied in my entire life. I hope to see you there.


Sources say that this proposition is indeed [B emoji]actual. Nevertheless, Father Boroughs always attracts some hate, so I met up with a few students to ask what they thought of the proposed deal. Here’s what Nark Dzerwinski had to say: “Do I think I could beat Boroughs in a basketball game? I don’t know what kind of question that is. Do you even know who I am? The answer is undoubtedly yes. That man envies my angelic game, and I am never one to hyperbolize.” Whether or not Boroughs has game or not, it comes down to the bet itself. We all know someone who has already spent every penny of their dining dollars. My guess is that Father will have quite a battle on his hands; at this point in the year, students low on dining dollars are absolute fiends. If you are a dining dollar fiend, pull out all the stops and ball up a priest. The sin you will receive if you win must surely be worth a Wheeler Hall sandwich from Coolbeans.

Categories: Eggplant

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