Eggplant

‘Saders Talk Secession as Massachusetts Bans Vaping

By Matt Anderson ’21
Eggplant Editor

On September 24, 2019, Governor Charlie Baker issued an order that sales of all vaping products be prohibited for the duration of four months. The response from the Holy Cross community was immediate and vicious. You see, much like shotgunning White Claws and going to darties, JUUL-ing has become something of a Holy Cross pastime, and many see Gov. Baker’s move as insensitive and oppressive to Holy Cross students. “I should be able to poison my body in whichever way I want,” says junior Martin Corbán, “Now what am I gonna do, light up a pack of Marlboro Reds?” Another student, N. Hale D’Clod also bemoaned the act: “I’ve budgeted it out so that if I take one hit of my JUUL every third weekend then I can ration my last pod the full four months.” Other increasingly desperate members of the community reported telling each other which convenience stores they heard were selling pods “on the DL.”

Some ‘Saders have moved on from their shock and have begun to demand action. “By depriving us of vapor, the government of Massachusetts has, like, trampled upon our rights to life, liberty, and happiness, not to mention our right to, like, party” yelled Chad Higginsbottom– a senior political science major and resident Lax bro– to a rabid crowd in front of Dinand. “Therefore Massachusetts has put itself into a state of war between it and the people. It is only logical that we, like, push for independence. Only then will we be able to remember the nirvana of a mango JUUL pod.”

Under pressure from the campus community, Father Boroughs is expected to make a statement at Mass next Sunday. Sources from Fenwick Hall indicate he favors independence and, if talks with the state of Massachusetts fall through, he will be coronated as the Emperor of Mount Saint James within a fortnight. His supporters say that, under his auspicious rule, pods will rain from the heavens. 

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