By Mario Micallef ’22
Editor’s Note: The Eggplant is The Spire’s satirical section.
“Your campus looks like Hogwarts.” You have definitely heard that at least a quarter of a million times during your years at Holy Cross, a.k.a HoCro, a.k.a Hilldum, a.k.a come-on-people-let’s-try-to-make-this-year-scandal-free. Sadly, we here on Mount St. Jim are not privy to moving staircases, which the small foreign indie film Harry Potter made popular and, as a result, unfortunately led to escalator folklore dropping in notoriety. Yet, do not fret because we have something even cooler that wasn’t created from ‘90s CGI. I suspect you are completely unaware that the high-priced tuition you’ve been paying for actually supports more than a new gym and performing arts center (we still don’t have air conditioning in our dorms, by the way). A tunnel system right below your feet has been in the process for years. I, too, had no idea until I met up with Yug Lunnet, the program director for the tunnel system here on campus. The restoration project has been underway ever since the Secret Service wanted Holy Cross to make an escape route for President Lyndon B. Johnson so he wouldn’t have to answer questions about the Vietnam War from students after his speech. The tunnel system is completely restored now and is set to open September 16th. Here is what Yug had to say:
“Hello student body. My name is Yug Lunnet, head of the tunnel program here at the College of the Holy Cross. I know this may come as a surprise to some, and others it seems we have been paying off your silence for years. For those of us involved in what I like to call the ‘Holy Excavation Luxury Linkage’ or ‘HELL’ for short, we are very excited to open our doors to you! Come join us on our ceremonial walk through on the 16th!”
The tunnel ceremony will be held right behind Kimball. There will be a tunnel-themed barbeque assortment and cupcakes, so go and join the tunnel festivities. As for the rules of the tunnel system, you need only to refrain from walking with earphones in. Caution, the pressure underground may cause internal head explosion if your ear holes are plugged. Don’t worry, though; the folks involved with the tunnel system understand how much we love our intact heads so tunes will be playing overhead, specifically a constant loop of the Dire Straits song “Tunnel of Love.”
Edit: The HELL program would like to mention that those who find themselves in flip flops and a Vineyard Vines t-shirt may be eligible for a special promotion.