Local Student Writes For Eggplant Instead of Doing Readings, or Studying for Exams

Hannah Johnson ‘21

Absolute Madman

“What an awful time of year,” said a distressed student in Kimball. “I was trying to down two Claritins for my allergies while I was carrying my essay, as well as four study guides I’d just printed out in Dinand, and suddenly the wind picked up and sent my papers soaring off the hill. It only reminded me of my awful printing ranking, and I’ve been depressed ever since.”

Such is only one of many horror stories from Holy Cross students in this bleak time of year. Spring refuses to come and fully overtake winter, leaving cold, bitter, College Hill winds as our only solace from the academic hell we face indoors.

“I have three papers, two exams, a presentation, AND I’m supposed to read 30 chapters by Monday,” said another student. “And on top of that, I feel like I’m physically deteriorating. My allergies turned into The Plague somehow, and I haven’t slept in three days.”

Hoping to drink away their fatigue and sorrow in coffee, students are clinging to their dwindling supply of dining dollars. “Is this for the newspaper? In that case… I can’t really tell you what I’ve done for dining dollars from my friends for coffee. Look… I have 11 dollars left, and I’m desperate,” said a student wishing to remain anonymous.

“I’ve had literally zero free time for about two weeks now,” said a student studying in the music library. “Except for last night, which I used to go see ‘Once In A Lifetime.’ But that play was seriously almost three hours. Four, if you count the time I spent hanging out afterwards, hoping that cute theater boys would come over and talk to me. …I only got like two and a half hours of sleep last night.”

“Oh god, what have I done?” — overheard from a first year, praying for mercy in St. Joseph’s–he had decided to take five classes this semester and also participate in three music ensembles and two clubs. (He promptly fell asleep afterwards.)

Even faculty are feeling the strain. One professor reportedly had 14 advising meetings in a row followed by three office hours. “No one is safe,” said the professor, while simultaneously scarfing down a sandwich and advising a student on their paper topic.

I’ll leave it up to you to guess what percentage of this article is actually autobiographical. Hint… it’s a lot.

Categories: Eggplant, Uncategorized

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