Spring Concert Predictions

Krystyna Cynstyntyny ‘21 and Annie Hentschtschtschtsel ‘19

Long-Lost Sisters

As the days get warmer and the home stretch of the semester draws near, it’s hard not to daydream about end-of-the-year festivities, especially Spring Concert. Here are some performers we hope to see down on Freshman Field this May:

Billy Eyelash This seventeen-year-old music sensation has gained a solid following within the past few years. Collaborating with big names like Khalid and earning a spot on the Coachella lineup, Eyelash could be a high-profile pick for HC’s Spring Concert.

A Group of Drunk Kids Singing “Mr. Brightside” You’ve seen them at The Lot. You’ve seen them in the basement of the Baseball House. You’ve seen them in Leit’s. They’re a group of drunk kids singing “Mr. Brightside”, and they’re already prominent members of the Holy Cross community – just give them their own concert already!!!

A Scone Packed with Maine blueberries and with a soft, yet dense, texture, this pastry would rock the house with one of the many jams (pun intended) in its repertoire. It went stale three days ago and might crumble under the pressure of a headlining performance on its own, but we’re sure it would make for a sweet Spring Concert.

A Cold Reading of the Student Handbook by Dean Irish Having the majority of the student body congregated in one area would be the perfect time to review some of our campus policies and guidelines, as well as our college mission statement and a list of every single RSO on campus. Ironically, the policies regarding the consumption of alcohol will likely not be remembered by inebriated audience members.  

Jojo Siwa Seeing a meteoric rise to fame after a stint on Dance Moms, this enlarged toddler would definitely strike a chord with Holy Cross students. Her enormous sparkly hair bows, highly theatrical dance moves, and obnoxious voice bring exactly the kind of chaotic energy our school is missing. Sophomore Nick Taliento says, “I hate Jojo Siwa more than anyone in the world, and if she was our spring concert I’d consider transferring”.

A Live Performance of the Bee Movie (with Real Bees) What better way to cap off the spring semester than with a live reenactment of the greatest animated film of our generation! Part theatrical performance and part environmental awareness event, you definitely wouldn’t want to forget your EpiPen.

Sophie Turner She sat on the sidelines at last year’s spring concert, will she plant her Iron Throne firmly in center stage this May? Watch her reclaim the North, murder Cersei, and make out with Joe Jonas, all while having the greatest character development television has ever seen.

Loud Luxury Babe don’t make a sound! Wouldn’t it be awesome if the DJs behind the hit song “Body” performed at Holy Cross? Coming to the stage, pre-games, and Insta DMs near you! Haha probably won’t happen tho!

This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.

Categories: Eggplant, Opinions

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