Carolyn Ahern ’20
The ‘Jonathan’ of her friend group
All things just keep getting better on Healy 2! Sophomore Matt Basic of New Jersey was nominated by his roommate John Average of Connecticut to be featured on Season 4 of Netflix’s hit reality show “Queer Eye.” Tan France, Jonathan Van Ness, Antoni Porowski, Bobby Berk, and Karamo Brown arrived to Mount St. James earlier this week to makeover Matt and help him live his best life (yas, henny!).
Tan helped Matt move past basketball shorts with his high school logo and a Vineyard Vines shep shirt, and introduced him to innovative fashion tips such as wearing jeans that actually fit him, printed shirts, and, of course, the life-changing magic of the French tuck.
Jonathan taught Matt that, in fact, washing your face isn’t “girly” and basic hygiene does not make you any less of a man. In fact, girls actually appreciate men who can, I don’t know, at least freaking floss or use sunscreen or just something to take care of yourself because we’re not your mothers and you’re 20 years old gosh darn it.
Matt took Antoni to Kimball so the food and wine expert could impart his knowledge. Antoni took one look at the dining hall, started crying, then used the Fab Five truck to go to Whole Foods and buy 17 avocados instead.
Bobby was absent for most of the episode, because he was doing the work of an entire HGTV show and its crew by himself and in four days. His finished product is the Edge at Union Station. After shooting was finished, he was seen having a breakdown in the back of the Fab Five truck once he found out that literally no students want to live there.
Karamo did the work of the entire Holy Cross counseling center, and taught Matt basically just how not to be a f*ckboy. TBD on whether he sticks to that.
Season 4 of “Queer Eye” premieres not soon enough.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.