Eggplant

Holy Cross Administration Suddenly Aware There is no Room for Students on Campus

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Grateful to be Graduating

The campus community returned from spring break to be greeted by an email informing them that there is no room for students on campus. The good news? There will be a new housing option available for Holy Cross juniors and seniors next year! The Spire has gained the exclusive ability to converse with the member of the administration who devised the brilliant idea to house students at The Edge at Union Station, an off-campus apartment building located in what the email describes as a “vibrant” section of Worcester.

This member of the administration, who requested to remain anonymous, said that when he first heard about the plan to increase housing options at Holy Cross for the upcoming Fall 2019 semester, his response was, “How come?”

“I was honestly so confused, at first,” he told us. But after visiting every remaining study room on campus and engaging in an equation of complex calculus to discover if there was a brilliant housing solution somewhere someone had overlooked, he had to give up. He was searching for something, he told us, akin to the transformation of three study rooms in Brooks-Mulledy’s basement to dorm rooms, but in the end, he had to admit defeat. “That’s when The Edge popped into my head,” he told us.

To clarify, The Edge at Union Station has no affiliation or connection to the fabulous Holy Cross campus dance party held at the beginning and end of each academic year. When asked if Holy Cross’ The Edge inspired his decision to house students at The Edge in Worcester, the member of the administration said, “That wasn’t, like, my original idea, but sure, write that down if you think people will buy it.”

Considering the fact that the legendary on-campus dance party leaves students with basically no room to dance, severely sandwiched between the deadly spikes of Kimball quad’s gates, it seems oddly representative of the fact that The Edge at Union Station is a way to deal with the students Holy Cross has no room for.

The member of the administration, however, didn’t seem to comprehend this uncanny parallel, instead robotically muttering words like, “state-of-the-art fitness center” and “4.5 bathrooms.”

“Did you know that The Edge is located in the completely renovated historic Osgood Bradley building?” he quoted.

Near the end of our interview, the member of the administration kindly divulged to us Plan B for housing next year, which will only take effect “if our equations were really off, which rarely ever happens” he said with a smile. This plan involves setting up tents in Kimball for students to be temporarily housed in. He said this option will offer incoming freshmen the opportunity to experience “in-dining hall housing,” and proudly announced each tent will include a fully furnished 10-person, 1 bedroom, 1 (downstairs in Kimball) public bathroom apartment, along with several amenities, including out-of-unit laundry machines in Carlin and Alumni, a state-of-the-art fitness center (which non-athletes will be prohibited from using), and a game room/broken piano in Carlin basement. “The apartments are located less than two miles from College Hill,” he assured us, “way less than two miles.”

This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.

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