Freshman (I’m Sorry, “First-Year”) Dorms (I’m Sorry, “Residence Halls”) Set to Receive Fifth Floor

Bthan Bachand ’22

Soon-to-Be Non-First-Year

Over the past couple of years, the Office of Admissions has continuously accepted more students, subsequently creating larger first-year classes. At times, it seems almost as if members of the selection committee are attempting to see how far they can go with a prank without getting caught. As senior committee member Idont Kare, said, “If I’m lucky, I think we can push it up to 2,000 students per freshman class before someone stops and says, ‘Maybe this is going to be a problem.’”

Following the announcement of the new residence options at the Edge, the college released plans to add additional floors to every first-year dorm. Construction will begin immediately at the end of the 2019 academic year, with the estimated completion date being August 1, 2041.

Instead of presumptively taking the cheaper, easier, and obvious alternative of accepting less students, the college has arranged for the development of a fifth floor to every first-year dorm. Any dorm that does not have a complete fourth floor will have it extended to meet the full length of the building.

While many hoped that this change would help solve the forced triple epidemic that plagued the Class of 2022, there seems to be no solution in sight. Speaking to The Spire, the college’s Director of Delusional Construction Projects, Waist O. Monni, stated, “Honestly, this isn’t going to be as bad as everyone thinks. We’ll be able to fit twice as many forced triples, and everyone will have a blast.”

The estimated $10 million renovation is set to be funded by a 3 percent increase to tuition cost. The blowback from this price change is expected to be minimal, as the information will be sent in an email the Bursar’s office hopes no one will notice. Any shortcomings will be covered by deductions from the performance center (duh).

Regarding the structure of the developments, there appears to be no plan in the blueprints for any sort of renovation to the rooms that are available. Each room will still consist of only one dim light, and water fountains on each floor are no guarantees.

When the plan was announced, the date for completion was set as the summer of 2021. However, as Math Professor Calc Ulator suggests, the suggested time frame is far off from being correct. “If you take in years of data, other buildings that were not built on schedule, you discover that an extra 15 years is to be added on to any project,” he said. “And with the current projection for the field house to be demolished in 17 years, the trend looks more like an added 20 years.” Even though I may be a humanities major, I can still tell you that brings the projected completion date to the summer of 2041.

Despite the variety of other improvements the school needs, which include upgrading current resident facilities and completing other projects (arts center, anyone?), it looks as if the College of the Holy Cross plans to push forward with this plan just for another thing to put on a pamphlet. But hey, look on the bright side: those new fifth floor residents will have a great view of Worcester.

This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.

Categories: Eggplant, News

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