Allyson Noeshghsadufydsiujksgfuhfkdskjcjdhsbvjfgickx ’19
Doesn’t believe in evolution, Proud Flat Earther, Anti-Vax Mom
On Friday, March 29, CAB held their annual spring concert reveal event in Hogan. Students gathered in Cool Beans to await the big announcement. At 4 p.m. “Airplanes” was blasted from speakers as it was announced that B.o.B. would headline this year’s spring concert. The Wiggles, in the midst of a comeback tour, will open for B.o.B.
As always, all students expressed their immediate approval of the choice in genre and artist. “This was a fantastic use of my substantial activities fee,” said one freshman who is particularly excited for her first spring concert. “There’s a reason why CAB gets a $250k budget. Every cent was well-spent.”
There was some initial concern as to whether the administration would approve the spring concert choice Rapper Bobby Ray Simmons, better known as B.o.B., after a string of concerning tweets related to conspiracy theories. B.o.B. has made headlines in recent years especially for supporting “flat earth” theories, and does not in fact think that the world is round. The College is usually quite strict when it comes to approving spring concert artists, and performs careful review of their lives and lyrics. “Flat earther theories really aren’t all that different or more bizarre than Catholic views on evolution, so maybe the Jesuits sympathized with the guy,” one student speculated.
Already, many Williams residents plan to boycott the concert as usual, refusing to shell out cash for a concert that they can hear from their own rooms. “Even if my view is obscured, the concert is gonna be loud. Luxurious Williams rooms are tough to leave as is, so why would I on concert day?” said Shawn J. ‘19.
No matter who the spring concert is, it never promises to disappoint. “It’s the night to let it all go! I look forward to it more than any other weekend,” said one senior, who will definitely be trekking down from Williams.
Don’t forget to B.Y.O.B. to this unforgettable B.o.B. concert. Just make sure you can make it through the pat-down on the way in. Porta-potties will be on site for shotgunning.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.