Holy Cross Announces Exciting New Housing Opportunity

Mama Juana

On Campus Student

Holy Cross is currently facing a housing crisis. The incoming class sizes have been unprecedentedly large for the past few years, and now the College is struggling to provide housing for their students.

However, the College has seemed to find a solution. In an email sent to the student body last week, the school announced an exciting new housing opportunity for rising seniors: two all-inclusive resorts in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.

Starting next year, The Occidental Caribe and The Hard Rock Hotel will house up to 200 members of the Class of 2020. When asked for a statement regarding their decision, a spokesperson for the College said, “over this past Spring Break, these two resorts proved to be much more capable than Holy Cross could ever be at housing our students. We were inspired by their model, and decided to reach out to them to see if they’d be willing to help us out.” The spokesperson quickly ushered the Eggplant reporter out of her office when asked what this decision would do to Holy Cross’ status as a residential college.

Conveniently located just 1,646 miles from campus, Holy Cross has graciously offered to provide complementary 6-hour plane shuttles back and forth between Punta Cana and campus. While students would still have the opportunity to eat at Kimball, the resorts also offer a variety of complimentary dining options for their guests. One senior who recently visited Punta Cana over Spring Break said, “The food there is great! It only gave me diarrhea, like, 4 days out of the week, which is pretty good when you compare it to the daily Kimball Runs.”

All in all, the announcement has gone over well with students, who are excited to live in a place that can provide better housing, food, and swim-up bars.

“Be sure to fill up your water bottles on campus!” on administrator warned. “We don’t have the funding for Hydration Stations there yet.”

Holy Cross has also been reportedly looking into starting satellite campuses in Camden, New Jersey, and Roanoke, Virginia. “The church pews are way comfier than the rubber mattresses Holy Cross gives us.”

Categories: Eggplant

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