Student Health 101: What You Need to Know About the AIRPOD Outbreak

Jeve Stobs


Have you or a loved one been negatively affected by the recent outbreak of AIRPODs on campus? You may be entitled to financial compensation, because those people cannot hear broke. With the start of the spring semester, it seems as though every single person on campus has been impacted by AIRPODs. Now you may be asking, what is “AIRPOD?” AIRPOD stands for Automatic Infection Related to Poverty and Overall Demographic. It is a very serious condition that affects 1 percent of all Americans. Scientists are unsure how the Holy Cross campus is able to overcome the odds and beat the national percentage. It just goes to show that we as a campus can become more.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what can I do to avoid to falling victim to the AIRPODs outbreak? Well to start, do you own any products made by a fruit company? Clinical research has shown that individuals who own one or more fruit company products are five times more likely to catch AIRPODs (Chef & Works, 2018). One of the more impactful statistics shows that individuals who fall into a higher tax bracket are much more susceptible to obtaining AIRPODs as their ‘broke’ counterparts (My Roommate, 2019). I for one am shocked that individuals with a much more disposable income are able to invest in $160 headphones. As Holy Cross, the shining beacon of hope, falls into these categories, it shouldn’t be surprising that a great number of people on campus have this truly infectious disease.

What are some symptoms and conditions of AIRPODs? One of the most glaring symptoms is that those infected can no longer ‘hear broke.’ This is such a scary disease because it affects the perception of sound waves by distinguishing the pitch and frequency from someone who has AIRPODs and someone who does not, categorized as ‘broke.’ The condition also impacts social behavior as those with the disease tend to congregate together in order to prevent contact with the ‘broke.’ For now, it seems that the outbreak of the disease and its effects are hard to tell. On the one hand, it offers a higher quality of sound for music and calls, but on the other hand it does seem to turn people into absolute tools.

To speak from a personal perspective, I found that this outbreak was spreading much more rapidly within the past month. It is a tragedy that I, a mere Average Joe using wired headphones, can no longer communicate with my beloved friends as I fall into the ‘broke’ demographic with which the disease prevents communication. As I reflect on my experience, I am hoping for a cure to this awful condition. I’ve seen too many good people, no longer able to use wired headphones, falling victim to the peer pressure of AIRPODs and becoming just another person impacted. Researchers are showing promise for a cure as it seems this is only a trend and people will get sick of having two dongles hanging out of their ears. Perhaps one day, we as a society will be free from AIRPODs.

Categories: Eggplant

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