Yes it is true, I am the hill. Go ahead; continue to use and abuse me while reading this message. Every minute of every day your various feet have the nerve to stomp on my heart and dreams; I come with a warning. All of you will surely pay a pretty price for your misdeeds against me. Yet, I am here not as a foe, but as a friend, of sorts. For years you fools have called me Mt. Saint James but I will henceforth be referred to as ‘Jim.’
You see I am here to put an end to the battle that you and those before have fought everyday against me. I can no longer tolerate being walked all over. I feel that the digging and prodding of a new building set to weigh my top down even more is an opportunity to finally start a dialogue with you all. Here is how the conversation will go: I will finally seek my vengeance and you will all scream for mercy. Oh, but to hear your screams of pain will not be enough. Did you really expect to get away with it? Do you really think you deserve my lustrous curves for your pathetic buildings? Nay, the future is grave for us both. My fury will come and go so swiftly that your pathetic size nines will have no use for trancing upon me as your legs will be left like the dirt that holds me together. However, with my vengeful fury towards the pathetic spirit you call your soul comes the end of me. My gran’ used to tell me just before she eroded that those who dare to walk upon us shall one day receive a swift taste of the end of times. I was not always vindictive towards all who have traversed my mounds. I once was a jovial hill whose pleasure came through the cool wind that passed in my green grass. Natheless, it ‘twas 175 years ago that my troubles (and soon yours) began once the cornerstone was put in its unjust place. Now as my rant is coming to its bitter end I must inform you that I have instructed the head scribes of this ink smothered rag to print my manifesto detailing my demands if you wish to live. Follow it closely.
“Most of you will perish in my wrath, but those who listen carefully to the only indulgence this land shall see will certainly live on to see another day. With a manila envelope take your greasy fingers and place a $100 dollar bill inside it. Then, with braven force lick it shut and address it to HC Box #2221 while keeping your tongue out until you bring it to a nearby post office. You will only survive my hilly rage if you follow my instructions exactly. You will have exactly one week to complete these decrees, farewell.”
To all the new residents upon my knolls please know that you will never “get used to” me; I take great pride in knowing that the pain in your calves will remain until you limp up the stairs at graduation.