Anarchy Reigns as Administration Controversially Replaces Heinz with French’s

Eaton D. Condiment

Lost in the Sauce

“At first I thought it was some sort of sick joke,” said jaded junior Neil English. “But when I got closer to the condiment station in Kimball I saw that it was true, Heinz condiment dispensers had been phased out with … those monstrosities. You really don’t know how much you love something until it’s gone.” What Neil is referring to is the recent policy change by the Holy Cross administration to replace Heinz condiments in favor of French’s.

However, such a move has proved to be a sore spot for most on campus. “Those things are a testament to the administration’s arrogance!” screamed Nancy Hall to no one in particular at the Kimball dish return. Tearing at her hair, Nancy continued to ramble that “it was all part of a French conspiracy to displace American-made goods and services,” despite the fact that a quick Google search says French’s is also American.

Many others on campus have rallied behind Nancy as a leader of the “Heinz Loyalists Union (HLU)” at Holy Cross. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an anxious public safety officer. “Tensions on campus are almost at their boiling point. There’s a very real threat of insurrection.” When interviewed, members of this extremist wing cited multiple reasons for their dissatisfaction with the administration. One source who wished to remain anonymous (but wore the unmistakable fatigues of a Kimball Captain) said that the unique feature “where the pump stops working on the honey mustard when it’s only half empty,” is the reason he sided with the resistance. “Now I have to change the damn thing every ten minutes,” he growled as he ran out of the storeroom with a fresh jug of the offending substance. Others pointed towards the off-putting sweetness and lack of viscosity of the ketchup. “It’s like dipping my fries in red sugar water, it spreads across my entire plate, destroying all that it touches,” said one student. In addition, nearly all of those interviewed highlighted French’s tangy honey mustard as being their main reason for joining the party. According to one student, “they’ve got the ratio all wrong bro, it’s like way too much mustard and no honey. Like I’m trying to eat chicken tenders not bratwurst.” This point was echoed by most others interviewed.

When asked, Father Boroughs and the rest of the administration maintained that they were confused by the student body’s reaction. “I’m just saying, when we’re charging exorbitant rates on ‘free’ laundry, and there’s a general lack of adequate underclassmen housing, among other issues, it’s just weird that students would rally behind the loss of a sauce brand,” said one unnamed source in Fenwick Hall.

The outcome of this political divide is still uncertain. All that can be said is that if the administration maintains its preference of French’s over Heinz, combined with the so-called “Meatless Monday” in Kimball, the bitterness coming from the reactionary element in the student body will continue to ferment.

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