Sheryl Crow’s Ex
Sadism Magazine has named Holy Cross the most bikeable school in the country, beating out schools such as Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis, University of Alaska-Fairbanks, and University of Phoenix for the title.
“We’re very honored to be named the most bikeable college in America,” said President Boroughs. “We really feel that it can help us gain more interest from students across the country—as long as we don’t mention the name of the publication that gave us this award of course.”
Sadism Magazine judged schools on a complex criteria that accounted for many factors that make a campus bikeable. These included “accessibility,” “bike availability,” “places for bike storage,” “practicality,” and “potential for feeling that sweet sweet sensation of pain.” Holy Cross scored high in all of these categories, doing particularly well in “practicality” and “potential for feeling that sweet sweet sensation of pain” thanks to the preponderance of stairs and steep incline of the campus.
“Oh it was great,” said reviewer Martha Sanderson from her hospital bed. “The entire time I was trying to ride a bike on campus, I just felt this immense frustration of how impossible it seemed. The true highlight was when I got so frustrated I tried to bike down the hill into Kimball Quad and just completely wiped out. I broke so many bones and the pain was just awesome.”
Sanderson’s review in Sadism Magazine read in part, “Biking at Holy Cross was the ride of my life. Should you choose to bring a bike to this campus, prepare for a trip full of frustration, slowly walking your bike down hundreds of stairs, finally reaching your destination, and then realizing there’s nowhere to place your bike. It’s simply amazing. The great bard of Indiana, John Cougar Mellencamp, once wrote, ‘C’mon, baby, make it hurt so good.’ Well, Holy Cross certainly does that to bike riders on its beautiful campus.”
Holy Cross did well in a number of other categories in Sadism Magazine’s college rankings. Most notable were top 10 finishes in the categories, Best Places to Wear Shorts in the Winter, Best Colleges for Salt Lovers, and Most Comfortable Libraries.