Wanted: Temporary Friends for Junior Year

By O. Nellie, Staff Writer

Hello. I am one of the few rising juniors who knows that Worcester is the greatest place on Earth. I would rather spend the entirety of my four years in New England’s second largest city, and not some dinky little European hamlet like Dijon or Coruña. Unfortunately, my delusional friends were persuaded by promises of “once-in-a-lifetime” and “at least you won’t be in Worcester” experiences, rendering me completely abandoned for next year.

I worked very hard to accumulate the friends that I currently have. Everyone knows the transition from high school to college is not easy, and the friend-making process is absolutely draining. I simply do not have the energy or the interest to put the effort into making new friends. I will, however, be taking applications.

I am looking for either a ready-made friend group or a collection of individuals who find themselves in a similar predicament to be my friends next year. Duties include coming to meals with me, asking about my day, being seen with me around campus, and accompanying me off campus. I consider myself to be a very good friend, and will reciprocate these duties. Social media is also an important matter for me. I want my friends to regret leaving me to travel the world, and so they need to see how much fun I am having with my new friends back on the Hill. I don’t expect to be in every picture, but I do demand that I am featured in at least 20 percent of each friend’s photos.

I understand that friendship is a two-way street, so I will use this time to mention that I am very good at taking pictures for Instagram. I have an excellent taste in snacks, which all my friends are welcome to. I will have a car on campus next year with ample seating. My parents visit fairly frequently, and will be wanting to take out all my new friends to dinner at Via and 111 Chop House. Finally, I am very good at saving my dining dollars, and treat all my friends at the end of the semester. As you can see, I meet all the requirements.

I am seeking an open adoption policy. I want to maintain contact with my friends who are abroad, and I don’t want there to be any jealousy surrounding the matter. Also, I want to emphasize the timeline of the situation. I need our friendship to start in late August when we move onto campus, and last for the entirety of the year, preferably spilling over a bit into the summer for Cape Week purposes. When my friends return for Senior Year, my relationship with them will resume as we left it. Please don’t burden me with expectations of our friendship continuing. We can remain acquaintances, maybe pre-game together or get a meal together once in awhile, but that will be the extent of it.

I find myself writing this advertisement out of necessity. I consider this strictly a matter of business, not pleasure. Interested parties can reach out to The Crusader for contact info.

Photo courtesy of clipart

Categories: Eggplant

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