By Stephan Duncan, Signing Off
The entire campus of the College of the Holy Cross has been quarantined by the CDC as a drastic response to a new nerve disease that’s been sweeping the nation. The disease has been discovered to target two specific areas: the ulnar nerve within the ulnar collateral ligament of the elbow (commonly known as the “funny bone”), and the lower frontal lobes of the brain where it’s said that our sense of humor is stored. According to former CDC director Thomas R. Frieden, MD, the main symptom of the disease involves making extraneous definitions or claims about comedy, namely that comedians have to provide solutions to social problems after making said jokes about them. The disease is said to have spread all across America, with the most concentrated areas of infected persons being on college campuses. “The CDC has already quarantined over 600 universities and liberal arts colleges,” Frieden stated gravely. “And I have been advising the CDC in making preparations to prevent further spreading of the disease in the European continent as well.”
In addition to the findings concerning the symptoms, scientists now believe that there is correlation between the disease and the constant yet mediocre progressive intellectual movements that have been popping up all over colleges in the country. The United States Department of Health and Human Services first started making the connections with the 2015 Yale University Student riots, which is where Patient Zero was found in the form of a female college student disrespectfully berating her professor over a trivial Halloween matter. One English Professor at New York University talks about her experiences with the disease firsthand, stating that, “as she was talking about the mythopoetic narrative surrounding American Gods, almost half the class got up and started protesting over the fact that I was talking less about how the novel is an immigration story.” Another instance of said behavior was told by a history professor at Boston University, “where my students surround me weekly and force me to engage in debates over the Anti-Semitic actions of the Third Reich and how the Trump Administration practices such actions today. I teach Mongolian History, for God’s sake!”
Since then, the number of infected students has increased exponentially, causing further and more common instances of irrational and erratic behavior ranging from hunger strikes, incessant blogging about the beauty of socialism despite its failures, using the term “fake news” to justify not actually watching or reading legitimate news sites, violent protests over guest speakers and half-assed emotional responses to satirical news instead of acknowledging that they are purposefully written to show how ridiculous we all are. No cure has been issued yet, but symptoms of the disease can be curbed by not using social media and insisting that all satirical late night shows (Full Frontal, The Daily Show, etc.) have a strange fetish with the Trump Administration.