By John Buzzard, Chief Eggplant Editor
After several years running as the satire section of The Crusader, I regret to inform our beloved audience and everyone else reading that we will no longer continue to publish the Eggplant. This comes as a result of several letters sent to myself, the Chief Eggplant Editor, encouraging, demanding and even threatening (though very gently) the immediate shut down of the section. For many people, the idea of a satire section is just a bit too much. I understand them and I’d like to tell them that I, too, get upset when someone pokes fun at my beliefs. In fact, I hate seeing dissenting opinions and I’d rather just have an echo chamber of articles that coincide with my beliefs.
Some of these letters were disgusted at this section’s constant criticism of the College’s policies and the content that we had been publishing. One letter entitled, “How Dare You Promote Apps” came from a group that called itself “Mothers Against Technology” and described itself as a group of Holy Cross mothers who found technology to be harmful to their children’s lives and seeks to lobby against resources such as printers, computers and Tapingo on campus. They specifically attacked Mr. Dewahl as a “Cyberdemon that promotes an engagement in sinful media.” After weeks of trying to get in touch with the group’s representative via the postal service, we asked Mrs. Kelly Carpenter (P ’21) for a comment. She stated, “I bet this Bill fella uses social media like a fiend. I bet he uses Facechat and Snapbook to send disgusting pictures of himself to other people. That’s just the type of guy he is, don’t cha know?” Mrs. Carpenter stated that she enjoys Bill’s articles, which align with her political views, but had to comment on his character as a “technology sympathizer.”
Of course, now I have to address the article that really got people talking last week about the Eggplant. A letter sent to the editor was entitled, “You Guys Aren’t Funny So Stop Writing Things I Disagree With,” an article that really took me aback and made me realize just how wrong I’ve been living and the evil that I’ve been promoting in this “satire” section. From an anonymous author, we as a section, were called out for writing outlandish things in a satirical section. The author was right though, this section is not at all funny. The author stated, “I hate your articles now because I disagree with them. Why can’t you just publish 4 articles about Trump being Hitler? I liked those last semester because I agreed with them. Now you’re joking about things like Sociology and chalupas? How dare you as Holy Cross students disagree with me.” The letter continued on to describe with statistics just how many people every year are killed by unfunny jokes and mediocre articles written on Monday nights. In the conclusion, the author stated, “Satire, like politics, is a life or death situation. If you lambast those topics, people aren’t going to take those causes seriously anymore. To atone for your sins, you all better support my political views and only write things I like from now on or I won’t read your section anymore.”
It’s clear that the Eggplant has a hefty job in front of itself right now. This is why, in an executive decree, I have decided to cease the publication of the Eggplant. These letters really hurt my feelings and I’ve decided that instead of just telling the crowds that they just don’t get satire, I’m just going to listen to the critics and disavow the section. So it is with an alleviated heart that I say goodbye to satire and thank you to the letter writers for correcting my wrongthink. It’s been a great year, so thank you to all the friends, fans, and people that take a satire section in a school newspaper way too seriously for making this such a fun ride.
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