Mozart Hologram Announced for Spring Concert

By John Buzzard

This week we are proud to answer the question that is on everyone’s mind in the Spring semester: who will be playing the Spring Concert? Many people have the false assumption that some ‘relevant’ artist will be playing or someone that is currently popular will come to the College. These people don’t really understand that no one wants to hear an artist that is ‘hip’. The bare minimum for bringing in an artist has to be that they were in the prime at least 10 years ago, or that they are so obscure that it is a badge of honor to say that you saw them live. Well, this year’s artist covers the former category at least tenfold (I’m not a Math major). The College is happy to welcome, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart…’s hologram to campus for the 2017 Spring Concert!

The decision was made by a student body that overwhelmingly voted for a classical artist for their Spring Concert. In a shocking turn of events, the Spring Concert will not feature a rapper or a hip-hop artist, but instead will have the hologram of a long-dead composer. As a representative from CAB told us, “Honestly, we were pretty shocked ourselves. Usually we have Rap, Hip-Hop, or Alt Rock in the top three but this year it was Classical, Heavy Metal, and Mongolian Throat Singing.” Though this appears to be an example of a rigged election, several CAB representatives have told us that there was no evidence of anything being out of the ordinary. With this in mind, one may wonder how we scored a Mozart hologram with so many more alive musicians. Before getting the door closed on us for asking too many questions about a secretive topic, Eggplant reporters were told, “Well we weren’t going to sell any tickets if some no-name performed. We’ve done that for like four years now. The hologram was the best move. Please leave.”

According to a source on the inside, Mozart’s hologram will still meet the CAB E-Board like every other artist. He will be treated to a classic Austrian feast and given a tour around campus via Bluetooth. Though this hologram does not feel any emotions, we are assured that he will have a good time at Holy Cross. The set list contains several of his classic works such as his Requiem, Don Giovanni, Le Nozze di Figaro, and Leck mich im Arsch (for the college kids) and others. The hologram, with the blessings of modern technology, will be able to provide the backup opera singers, the chamber orchestra, and Mozart as the conductor. This production is sure to go well, with campus just begging for more classical music.

We asked for several opinions about the issue on campus and were met with a variety of attitudes. Terrence Jordie ’19 was unhappy to see that the Mongolian Throat Singing didn’t win, but was looking forward to witnessing greatness. Violinist Michael Derkiak ’18, was particularly shocked. He said, “Are you kidding me? I love classical music and I will be going, but I can’t believe this campus is going to even entertain this idea for a Spring Concert. They don’t even fill Brooks for a show!” On the other hand, Senior Joshua Hanlon stated, “You bet I will be getting lit to Solitude in E minor.”

All across campus it appears that these mixed opinions will converge into delight on the day of the concert as students of all ages will be witnessing perhaps the greatest artist to ever live. The Spring Concert will be coming up soon, so make sure that you buy tickets so you can mosh to “Adagio for violin and orchestra in E major.”

Photograph Credits: Kids’ Music Corner

Categories: Eggplant

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