Recently there has been great demand for the release of the two main presidential nominees’ health records. Though Trump and Clinton have shared some medical information, voters are still yearning for more. Luckily for us, anonymous sources have recently obtained full health reports for both candidates, and we are fortunate enough to have special permission to publish them in The Crusader. So, read on for the juicy medical information you don’t want to admit you want to read.
Trump: He was diagnosed in 2010 with a rare disease causing him to grow yellow corn silk instead of hair. His doctor says the disease is being managed well, and it is believed Trump is able to function normally except on a recent family pumpkin-picking trip on which he was reportedly viciously attacked by crows.
He also suffers from a deterioration of his arterial walls, an ailment which can only be cured by uttering the word “win.” “Each and every time he says that glorious word,” his doctor says, “those walls get a little bit higher and his risk decreases.” Reportedly, when Trump said in Georgia last spring, “We are going to win at every single level. We are going to win on health. We are going to win with education. We are going to win at the borders. We are going to win with our military. We’re going to win, win, win, win,” his doctor jumped up and down with joy in his cramped office space on Trump’s seventh-favorite private yacht. He said, “Those arterial walls are getting built, and they’re going to be yuge!”
The last of Trump’s reported ailments is an ear infection, inexplicably causing him to think it is a good idea to choose a bland man as his running mate who is unknown except for his statements questioning the validity of evolution and promoting gay conversion therapy.
Clinton: Mrs. Clinton’s doctor has revealed that she suffers from a unique disease that causes “slight overheating” to transform into severe pneumonia at a moment’s notice.
It has also been reported that a part of the former Secretary of State’s brain has the unnatural ability to fixate so strongly on iced tea that she is unable to remember whether she is using her private email server or her government email server to email her aide to ask for the sweet drink.
Another of Clinton’s ailments requires that she spend most of her time in moist dark caves, hidden from the general public while staring glaze-eyed at her BlackBerry. Luckily, a revolutionary new mask has been developed to help Mrs. Clinton with her condition by enabling her to show a grandmotherly yet plasticized face to the general public while still staring into the cavernous depths of her sunglasses.
Peculiarly, both candidates’ doctors also reported their patients suffer from a condition causing a person to be fundamentally unlikable and unelectable. This mysterious disease has stumped even the most prestigious of health professionals and was on the verge of being labeled as permanently incurable. At press time, however, an anonymous rocket scientist privately shared with The Crusader that the cause of this ailment may be the fact that the public is sick and tired of hearing about the two candidates and hopes that one of them gets elected soon, so we don’t have to continue to senselessly weigh their faults and wrongdoings for another 17 months.