Our Only Option

Despite all the jokes and hilarious SNL skits that have come out about this topic, we only have one option this fall. In this presidential election, we are at a crossroads for our country’s history. The only option we have right now is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Now I know this is a satire section and you probably expected some humorous answer like ‘neither’ or ‘a new set of candidates.’ While that’s another hilarious response we have never heard before, please hear me out. We need Hillary Clinton if we want to be a safe and prosperous country.

We absolutely can’t elect Donald Trump. Despite the talk of his ‘business,’ he’s a reality TV star. That’s all he is. He earned all his money from his show and he basically didn’t even earn it himself. He’s also orange. Trump also doesn’t have a plan for the economy or for the Middle East. He’s going to make these decisions himself, off the cuff, without any Republican Party advisors or scholars helping him. This is indicative of the fascist policies that he supports. He’s also a bigot. His supporters are reflective of his views, and anything they do should be attributed to him, because he encourages it. I mean haven’t you seen all the Trump supporters interrupting Hillary’s rallies? He doesn’t know anything about foreign policy. He doesn’t want to work with other foreign leaders. He wants to go to war with all of them. I bet he doesn’t even know about Aleppo! Instead of focusing on the policies posted on his website, we should be focusing on his hateful rhetoric. Personally, I’d rather talk about a much better human being, Hillary Clinton, rather than continue to talk about this orange demagogue.

Hillary Clinton must be our president if we want to survive. Now the first thing I must address is those emails. Ignore the Trump-supported WikiLeaks, that’s the work of the Russians. Speaking of the Russians, they need to be put in their place, because they’re influencing our election in favor of Trump despite the lack of evidence proving that. Trump supporters are also being funded by Putin directly. For example, they fund thousands of Twitter bots who just post weird, cartoon frogs that contain racist images. If they continue to influence this election, we should declare war on them. Under Hillary’s leadership, we’ll be able to recover from a nuclear war. If we don’t become more hostile to this Russian influence, Donald Trump may get elected and then we’ll go to war for sure. We as Hillary supporters or “people on the right side of history” as she calls us, should be sure to ignore all the emails insulting Bernie supporters, discussing the importance of public and private views, and wanting a society with open borders, because those are all lies fabricated by the Russians. Trump supporters want to believe all these different conspiracy theories about Hillary’s health and her involvement with Middle Eastern donors, because they are funded by the Russians, but as Bernie Sanders said, “Enough with those damn emails.”

Look, we absolutely need to vote for Hillary. Even though I spent the article bashing Trump (he deserves it) and not talking about Hillary’s policies, we should vote for her because of her connection to young people and the possibility of her becoming the first female president. These are the things that really matter— not leaks or emails. Make sure to vote this November 8th, because great leaders like Hillary must win so we can become a better society. Let’s go Hillary!

Categories: Eggplant

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