New Immigration Law Passed in Canada

In light of recent and shocking political shifts in the United States, a stunning reform in Canadian Immigration has been passed by the Liberal Party of Canada this past Thursday, now known as the Furo Dampnum Act, or, in English, the Sore-Loser Immigration Act. While the immigration policies of Canada have always been known to be the most receptive in western countries, exemplified by the current Immigration and Refugee Protection Act of 2002, the overwhelming support for the new law comes as a response to a plethora of Americans who voted Democratic during the past election, subsequently promising to move to Canada if their party had lost to Donald Trump. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the entirety of the House of Commons had believed this to be a practical joke fueled by the hivemind of liberal media and social networking; their laughs changed to worry as over 500 students from Caltech this past Wednesday tried to march across the border to Vancouver. Though they were denied entrance into the country, border patrol officers at the time had described the emotional students as “tear-stained, entitled, and hypocritical to the system of American Democracy.”

While laws in Canada have a long and tedious progress in regards to being passed through the House of Commons and the Senate, the bill became a law just as quickly as it was written, going from the Second Reading right to the Royal Assent of Governor General David Johnston. “We have firm and dutiful belief in the immigration system that this country has supported, but in this worse-case scenario, our parliament had universally consented to this law in order to secure Canadian culture and citizenship from these immature privileged liberals,” quoted Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this past Friday.

In accordance with the act, all applicants of Canadian citizenship who exhibit any of the following symptoms will be denied immediately; these symptoms are included, but not limited to: excessive social media usage in the spreading of political ideas, believing that reading Buzzfeed makes you “politically intuitive,” complaining about the Electoral College, believing Colin Kaepernick is a “political activist” or even a “solid quarterback,” supporting the trend #NotMyPresident, and believing that the DNC is much more ethical than the GOP.

The law, though praised by the Canadian public, has received backlash by many American citizens, mainly millennials and college-educated students, who believe that this will start “a serious trend of xenophobic policies that will result in the moral decay of Canadian politics,” as quoted by students from City College of New York. In response to this ironic statement, the Liberal Party of Canada has already drawn up a bill titled the Mur du Patriotisme act, which would enact the construction of a wall spanning all 5,525 miles of the Canadian-US border. If enacted, the wall would be 30 feet high, 25 feet thick, and will be made out of moose antlers, hockey sticks, and cans of Molson Canadian Lager. “The wall itself will be both a symbol of Canadian patriotism and a commentary on American politics,” quoted Trudeau, also adding that the wall will also protect the country from any more of the “saggy goblins running for president and celebrities trying to stay relevant in their careers.”

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