Breaking the endorsement drought for Donald Trump, four major “religious figures” endorsed him this Monday. Appearing through a tear between the worlds, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse delivered an endorsement for the Republican candidate that was projected into the minds of everyone on Earth.
Before this rift in reality closed, we here at The Crusader managed to get a team there to interview the Horsemen about why they chose to endorse Trump. We would have published the audio of our exclusive interview, but our lawyers said that we would be liable for the people who would go insane because of it, so we will instead provide a written summary.
First on the docket was Conquest. He was sitting on a bright white horse and held a large recurve bow, which he used to turn one of my interns into a pincushion when he referred to the Horseman as Pestilence; he later said that mistaken identity is a sore point for him. When asked about Trump, Conquest said, “Of course I support him. For starters, he said that he wants to take the oil in the Middle East. Seizure of resources, and of course the land that they are in, is kinda my thing. Also, he supports Putin, whose work I am a yuge fan of. Not to mention that his isolationism will likely result in more wars of conquest as people see that the U.S. won’t get involved. That loser Clinton is going to keep national borders stable, but Trump will mix things up.”
Then we moved on to War. He was sitting on a red horse and had this sword that I swear could have decapitated the Statue of Liberty. As we approached, several of my photographers began to fight each other over who would get to take his picture. He then shouted at us in a tone reminiscent of a drill instructor,“YOU MAGGOTS WANT TO KNOW WHY I SUPPORT THE DONALD!?! CAUSE HE’S GONNA MAKE WARS. HE’S GONNA BOMB THE $%!^ OUT OF PEOPLE! AND THESE AREN’T GONNA BE YOUR NAMSY-PANSY GENEVA CONVENTION WARS! NO, THERE’S GONNA BE CIVILIAN BOMBING; THERE’S GONNA BE TORTURE! AND HE’S GONNA SIGNAL TO OTHER COUNTRIES THAT THEY ARE IN THE CLEAR FOR THEIR WARS AS WELL. AND DON’T YOU THINK YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS BY VOTING AGAINST HIM; HE’S ALREADY PRIMING HIS BOYS FOR CIVIL WAR IF HE LOSES, AND THAT’S MY FAVORITE KIND OF WAR!”
Next we interviewed Famine. We found him on a black horse, busy comparing various foodstuffs with his scales and taking assiduous notes, and I swear that I heard War shout out “NERD!” as we approached. Barely glancing up from his work, Famine told us, “Now I know you’re wondering: what does a demagogue have to do with shortages of food? Well, I will tell you, it all has to do with global warming. Trump dismisses it as a myth, and would scuttle efforts to combat it if he became president. This would mean that the loss of arable land to rising sea levels and expanding deserts will accelerate unimpeded, thus reducing the world food supply.”
Finally, we came to Death. The figure sitting atop the pale ashen horse was too terrible to comprehend, as was what followed in his wake. In a voice that was barely distinguishable from a death-rattle, he told us how Donald Trump would be the tool that he would use to cause untold death, until by the end of his second term, one quarter of the world would have perished, and the next phase of the end of days would be ushered in.
When we called Donald Trump to ask if he condemned the Horsemen and their agendas, he refused to do so, stating, “I don’t know these Horsemen. I mean I do know of them but I don’t know what they are doing. Look, all I know is that they said nice things about me. That’s all that matters.”