The date is January 20, 2017. After a long inaugural ceremony and ball, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be settling into the White House. Our magic crystal ball does not allow us to foresee which candidate will be living on Pennsylvania Avenue, but it does show us what the first morning as president for each candidate would look like.
Donald Trump: President Trump wakes up bright and early and looks out the window of the Trump House, which is what he renamed the White House after deciding the original name was a conspiracy by the media to rig the presidency against him. On his way out of his bedroom, Trump’s top advisor asks him which of his prepared statements he would like to issue in light of the recent Russian airstrikes in Syria. “Would you like to go with, ‘I love Putin like a big brother. We always chase bears together across the frosty plains of Russia’ or ‘I have never heard of Vladimir Putin before. Who is that?’” Seeing the furrow planting itself in Trump’s orange brow, his advisor offers, “Or we could go with the classic, ‘We are going to win Russia, win Russia so bigly.’” “That’s the one,” Trump grunts, as he disappears through a nearby door. As Trump combs the last remaining crusty yellow stalk of hair over his head, he peruses a list over his mirror of “possible ways to create a media firestorm today.” After picking the best way to insult a woman while also shocking the CNN reporters, the door to Trump’s locker room swings shut and his first day as president begins.
Hillary Clinton: President Clinton gets out of bed on a chilly January morning and shakes a coat of dust off a garment bag hidden deep within her closet. Inside is the golden pantsuit she has been waiting decades to wear. “I can’t believe we’re finally meeting again,” she whispers, recalling the day she sewed each thread of the 14-karat gold pantsuit by hand at age four. “I always knew I would be president, one way or another,” she says, admiring her reflection in the mirror.
Reaching for her bag of clown paint, to disguise her face, Clinton then murmurs to herself, “First female president, first female president, not second-oldest president ever elected…” “Madam President,” Clinton’s advisor says, stepping into the bedroom and interrupting her thoughts, “your staff and I want to know what you would like to do on your first day as president. You’ve been waiting for this for what, like 300 years?” she jokes. Clinton grimaces then quickly tucks her pointed teeth back between her lips and mutters, “No. I have been waiting for the normal number of years humans live for.” “Okay,” her advisor replies, “Well, would you like to check some emails this morning? Oh, sorry, is it too soon for that joke?” After being kicked out of Clinton’s room, the advisor was later notified that Clinton was looking to hire a new staffer who met the description of a “large, orange buffoon who can act like a complete idiot so no one notices anything I do wrong.”