WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of Internet services like AOL and Amazon, carrier pigeons have announced that it has become necessary for the destruction of the Internet. As Carl Pigeon, a spokes-pigeon for the Pigeons Internet Destruction Group (PIDG), said in a statement to reporters Friday, “We’re at the point where we have no other choice. Remember the days when communications required a good strong pigeon? Now we’re just birds wandering the streets.”
It’s not good to separate a pigeon from its purpose, says Carl. “Some of us are losing our sense of direction entirely. I’ve got an aunt in New York City who’s been circling the same high-rise apartment complex for months.”
“I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal about the Internet? Who doesn’t appreciate a nice, dirty, disease-ridden bird delivering them mail?”
“I mean, times are tough,” added the small, rat-like bird before taking a moment to pluck a molting feather from his chest. “I’ve heard of Pigeons resorting to impersonating Big Bird at birthday parties, or even trying to pass themselves off as small Boeing 747s.”
“It’s commonly understood that pigeons are not good at perceiving their own scale,” says prominent ornithologist Ellen Hall.
It seems Carrier Pigeons all over the world are meeting on telephone wires to begin strategizing their efforts. “I can’t reveal too much here,” said Secretary of Pigeon Defense Bill Pigeon. “But let me say this: forces are being trained, beaks are being sharpened. We’re going to peck the crap out of every iPhone screen and dive-bomb every tablet out there!”
When asked about how a superpower like the United States would react to such an attack, a confident President Obama stated, “If I’m not mistaken, aren’t these the same guys that fly into windows?”